What Jerry Maguire can teach you about empowered communication
Okay, maybe I'm dating myself by referencing a movie that was made when some of you were tiny beings, but, I can't resist. Jerry Maguire is such a *perfect* example of what high achievers are conditioned to tolerate in the pursuit of success, and the hero's journey is brilliantly laid out to show his complete mindset and life transformation when he decides to stop following the rules.
I'm not going to recap the entire movie in this post, but I'll provide a little background about how we see the success conditioning in the characters and what happens when the cracks in that approach appear for our hero, Jerry.
Background:
Jerry works in the cut-throat world of agents representing athletes
He's surrounded by inauthentic people who will do and say whatever it takes to land a client and make the money
He has the audacity to write a memo in which he calls out what he sees as the surface and transactional nature of their business, and calls for a return to personal relationships as the heart and soul of representing their clients. Seeing them as human beings with real concerns instead of stepping stones on the way to a fat paycheck
He's immediately fired for sharing those thoughts, thrusting him into business for himself, where he has to decide whether he'll live by what he's learned to do to create "success," or if he'll pursue the approach he laid out in his memo in which true connection drives his work
For the sake of this discussion, let's focus on the topic of people-pleasing and validation seeking.
As you can imagine, there's a LOT of inauthenticity in the typical communication between agents and athletes depicted in the movie. The use of flattery, ingratiating oneself, pretending to be besties with someone you barely know to fake closeness - whatever comes to mind when you think of phony interactions, they're shown here.
These tactics are the tools the agents use to land the clients and get paid.
On the flip side, you see that the clients (the athletes and/or their families) are all too willing to exploit that hunger on the agent side. They make demands, overtly and passive-aggressively, to see how far they can get agents to go to land their business and get them the most money possible.
The result is a sick cycle in which manipulation rules and whoever does the best job of delivering wins. Gross, right?
At the same time, it's not surprising, nor is this kind of dynamic limited to this particular business, which is what makes the movie so applicable to real life professional situations.
The mindset challenges of high achievers on display
One of the common high achiever mindset obstacles that is clearly illustrated in Jerry Maguire is people-pleasing, which is tightly tied into validation-seeking behavior.
You act in ways that others want and expect you to act in order to get the outcome you seek. In the non-movie world, that can look like:
Avoiding confrontation
Wanting to be liked
Being nice rather than kind and truthful
Worrying that you screwed up
Focusing on what's expected of you rather than showing up authentically
ETC.
Once Jerry is on his own, we see these dynamics play out between him and the client he wants to represent, Rod Tidwell. Rod is an athlete who's in his own head about his value, and for him, only a lucrative big-time deal will validate his worth as a player.
Rod is stuck in the conditioning of measuring his worth through the validation he receives, another common high achiever mindset obstacle. In order to feel legit as an athlete, he needs to hear praise and receive recognition, preferably in the form of a big contract with lots of $$$, playing for a prestigious team. Without that, he questions his own value and stews in the discomfort of feeling worthless.
In addition, Rod is unknowingly operating in victim mindset, where he sees his challenges as the fault of those around him. He doesn't have the self-awareness to see where his own behaviors, thoughts and actions are holding him back.
Jerry struggles with his old conditioning and his ideals, and you witness his attempt to move forward authentically while wrestling with the "tried and true" way of getting results the old way, which he clearly doesn't feel aligned with.
On each side, you see the mindset challenges they face in the form of outdated conditioning where value is tied to money and emotional games are played in order to get the best material outcome.
Demonstrating a step in the right direction, Jerry forms a real connection with Rod the human, not just Rod the athlete. This initially complicates their interactions, because Jerry actually knows the man and sees him in his capacity as a husband, father and brother, not just as an athlete. Rod is a good friend who genuinely cares about Jerry. The way he operates in his relationships is authentic and real. They each become invested in the outcome beyond landing a deal.
As they form a connection, Jerry is still operating in his old paradigm and continues to eat the words he really wants to say. He avoids the truthful feedback he wants to give so he can avoid a confrontation. He plays some of the old games until he simply can't anymore. He wants to deliver for Rod and, as a result, is over having to watch what he says. The old approach is simply not moving either of them forward.
Check out the short clip that shows what happens next (language warning!):
Here, you see Jerry overcome the outdated paradigm of people-pleasing to get the win. Here's what shifts for Jerry:
He's kind, not nice. He's gives truthful feedback about Rod's victim mindset and how it interferes with his ability to showcase the talent that will get him the contract he wants.
He doesn't avoid confrontation. He leans in and says what needs to be said.
He gives Rod the opportunity to respond. He's fully aware that what he says will not be well-received in the moment. But, he's hoping it will sink in, that Rod will take his words to heart, and that they will mutually benefit.
In the end, Rod is able to process what Jerry shared. He makes the necessary adjustments and allows himself to show up in the energy of his love for the game, rather than in the energy of trying to prove himself.
Jerry gets to see that when he lives in alignment with his ideals even when it's uncomfortable, he's fulfilled by what transpires. In the end, he not only successfully lands a client, but he forms a strong friendship bond with Rod that goes beyond their business association.
Yes, this is a movie, and no, life is not all sunshine and rainbows and perfect outcomes tied up in neat bows.
However, the mindset and behavior shifts here are realistic, and they do represent what's possible in terms of communicating authentically without tying yourself in knots to do what you think the other wants or needs you to do.
It is realistic that you will feel unburdened and freed by being who you are, rather than tap-dancing to be what someone else expects you to be.
Will operating this way always end in a "good" outcome? No. Sometimes people will walk away for good. At the beginning of the movie, Jerry said what was on his mind in his memo and lost his job.
Does that mean it wasn't the right thing to do? NO. It was the right thing to do, because ultimately it set him on a path where he could be in alignment with his values and operate from that place instead of conforming to a system that sucked the life out of him.
You may lose people and situations for doing what's right for you. Reframe your perspective: what falls away from you makes space for something better to take it's place. It may be a rocky and uncomfortable ride, but the peace of mind that comes with being true to yourself is worth it.