File 002: Who are you trying to convince?
Every time I open social media, I feel conflicted. There are times when I see content from people I'm genuinely interested in or on topics that matter to me. Then there are times when I see several posts in succession that make me immediately close social media in exasperation and question why people feel the need to perform.
I know I'm not alone in noting this. Social media provides an in-your-face example of how people we know in real life (the ones we know are messy) show up in ways that are clearly not aligned with reality. I find this fascinating because, presumably, these people have friends on said platforms. Friends who know the truth. And yet, their posts seem to reflect a desired state rather a real one.
This phenomenon has reach beyond social media. We all know at least (!) one person at work who puts effort into constructing a persona that aligns with company values, desired future promotions, etc. We see those people "manage up," presenting a version of themselves to people in positions of leadership that peers know isn't authentic. If the person in question is in a leadership position, you may see them perform in ways that align with how a leader should behave, and rather than managing up, they manage horizontally so they can be seen as someone who belongs at the table with their colleagues.
You can likely relate to everything you've read so far, which means something is fueling this cycle. What I really want to know is this:
What happens when being perceived a certain way becomes more important than embodying that person?
What is it that compels people to perform being…?:
Happy
Successful
Confident
Busy
Enlightened
Important
Authentic
People want to belong. They want to be valuable. They want to be all of the things I just listed above. So, it's not unlikely that what compels one to perform is the fear or lived experience of embodying the opposite:
Insecurity
Fear of not being enough
Need for approval and acceptance
Comparison
Fear of irrelevance
Need to control how others see us
We are taught, explicitly and implicitly, which characteristics equate to high value in our society. People who are successful, attractive, accomplished, confident, experts, productive, happy, important, etc. are valuable. We learn that not only must we be those things, but that we must somehow demonstrate that we are those things.
Here's a scenario to illustrate. Let's say we have someone who's recently been promoted to an executive position. This person has struggled with feeling like an impostor for years, so in order to compensate, she works really hard. She's available for more hours of the day than she wants to be, strives to be helpful and valuable to others, and generally combats the feelings of "I'm not good enough" through action. It's worth noting that this action doesn't fundamentally change this underlying sense of not being enough. It's still there and continues to compel "proving" behaviors to convince others - but mostly herself. Others are likely already convinced or she wouldn't be in her position. Unfortunately, the need to prove her value has become a deeply conditioned part of how she shows up.
This dark underbelly isn't apparent to others. She receives praise and validation for her efforts. She can ignore the piece of her that's anxious about her worthiness because she can keep doing what she's doing and be recognized.
Boiled down to its essential parts, you can see the cycle that's taking place:
I don't feel like I'm enough.
I need to be perceived as enough.
I perform "enough".
I receive validation.
The behavior is reinforced.
The performance becomes part of my identity.
So, why is this bad? Could we chalk it up to "fake it till you make it" and decide that since the desired outcome is reached, what's under the surface doesn't matter?
No fucking way.
It matters. Because no matter what anyone else thinks, you know that you're performing. You've learned that the version of you that "acts" is better and more acceptable than the real you. Authenticity loses its meaning. You can pretend that the version you're performing is authentic. In all honesty, you can probably largely get away with it.
But not universally. Some people are very good at detecting bullshit (like yours truly), and if you don't want to be discovered, you'll prioritize connections that don't have depth in service to remaining aligned with the image you've created rather than with your true self.
Success conditioning tells us that this is all good and as it should be. The goal is to achieve an outcome. The means by which you achieve said outcome are less important. If you have to pretend, perform, stuff your feelings down, withhold your voice, compromise your values in order to get the win, the success paradigm encourages you to do just that.
Guess what? It's exhausting. Because you have to play multiple roles in your life. In which of those do you feel the need to perform?
In leaders, it could look like feeling the need to look decisive, not admitting what you don't know, wanting to be perceived as indispensable, putting importance on being liked over being effective.
In relationships, it could look like playing the role of the "good" partner, parent, or friend.
In career, it could look like taking the job for what it signals, striving for status, staying on a misaligned path for the money or prestige.
In everyday life, it can look like buying things that make you look successful, maintaining an image to the point of exhaustion, curating a persona that makes you look like you have it all together.
Who are you trying to convince? Why are you trying to convince them?
What does it cost you to do so?
There are fine lines in life. None of this is black and white. We may need to rely on performing when we're new at something and haven't quite built up the confidence or muscle memory that repetition provides. It can serve you in those instances because performing allows you take action despite the underlying anxiety that may otherwise stop you.
However. As a habit, as a global way of operating…it's too much. It will wear you out. It will convince you that the real you isn't as good as the performed you. I can guarantee you that's not the case (unless the real you is an asshole). Will you lose people and situations if you stop performing? Maybe. But what if you find a sense of relief from dropping that burden? What if even better people and situations find you as the result of you being your true self?
There are no right answers here. Only the curiosity to dig deeper and find what's true for you, and maybe to find the courage to act on that truth.