How burning bridges creates a new path for growth
The comment I heard most often when I started to share with people the decision to leave my corporate job was "Be sure to do it in a way that doesn't burn any bridges. You might want to come back someday."
You may or may not have a strong visceral reaction to this advice. If you do, what I’ll share about my experience will likely resonate with you. If you don't, you may want to read on, as it could be that you're willingly tolerating situations and people you've outgrown.
So, when is it okay to burn a bridge? Let's talk about it.
To backtrack for a moment, I happen to fall into the "visceral reaction" camp. I know the people who advised me not to burn bridges meant well, but it irritated the hell out of me. It implied that I may be overly emotional and would go off half-cocked during the resignation process, thus burning said bridge.
With a little space, I realized that it struck me that way because I had been "too much" in so many ways when it came to my corporate experience, and comments like this seemed to reinforce that notion. I was "too direct," I needed to "soften my edges." I was perceived as "intimidating". Naturally, I bristled. Even at that moment, when I was taking my "too much" self to the exit, I was being advised on how best to do it "nicely."
As irritating as all of that is, it pales in comparison to the more significant inherent implication hidden in this advice:
I SHOULD PLAN TO FAIL IN ADVANCE AND ENSURE THE SAFETY NET WAS IN PLACE SO I COULD COME CRAWLING BACK WHEN THAT HAPPENED.
Let's unpack that further. Was it wrong to imply I could fail?
Not at all. People fail all the time. I know I have. The difference may be that I don't see failure as the end of the line, but rather an opportunity to learn and try again. I had no guarantee that I would succeed. I knew it was a risk to leave. It was a risk I was willing to take.
The real reason I find it offensive when people talk about not burning bridges is encapsulated in that last part of the statement: "You might want to come back someday."
Why? Why would I ever want to hold the door open to return to something that wasn't aligned for me? Was no longer serving me?
Why should you be told not to burn a bridge when you walk away from a relationship or situation that has diminished or hurt you, or that you've just outgrown?
Why do people give advice like this?
BEING ADVISED AGAINST BURNING BRIDGES IS BASED IN FEAR.
Fear of change. Fear of loss. Fear of failure. Most likely, it's a projection of the person's own fears as they tell you to be careful with whatever it is that you've decided you're not doing anymore.
If you've done your due diligence in determining that a situation or relationship has run its course, you're within your rights to be done with it. In fact, I'd argue that it doesn't serve you to keep the door open in your mind when returning would mean compromising a core part of who you are to keep the peace or stay small to make sure someone else is comfortable.
There are times in life when burning a bridge is healthy. Fire cleanses. Recognizing what doesn't work for you and being done with it takes courage. Growth requires that you make tough decisions and do what's right for you first and foremost.
WHEN YOU'VE REACHED THE POINT THAT YOU'RE READY TO PROVERBIALLY TORCH WHAT STANDS IN YOUR WAY, YOU ARE POWERFULLY POSITIONED TO MOVE FORWARD.
As Roxy Jules sings in her song, "I'm sorry, but I can't stay. May the bridges I burn light the way."