The Do’s and Don’ts of dealing with toxic behavior

Guest post by Daniel Lichtman, Registered Psychotherapist (PACFA Australia) and Certified Transformational Coach (Circling Institute, USA)
www.integratedway.com.au

We all have at least one person in life who makes us feel dejected after the interaction. The person uses your sincerity to their advantage and stirs up trouble on different occasions. Above all, they are often the cause of any negative emotion or anxious feeling that arises within you.

Dealing with toxic behavior in any area of your life can have long-lasting, adverse effects on your mental wellbeing. Unfortunately, more often than not, the toxic individual is someone very close to us - who we have known all our lives or connect with on a daily basis. 

And there is no way to cut them off from our world completely and abruptly. 

Well, your best bet is to deal with them reasonably. Being mindful of their behavior and implementing some do's and don'ts can help you focus on your personal development. This will also help minimize the impact of their toxic behavior on your life.

In this guide, let's look at some dos and don'ts to keep yourself dragging into a negative spiral.

Do: Create an Emotional Distance

If you feel like this person is constantly draining you, it's essential to create some emotional distance. This means setting boundaries and learning when and how to say no. It's also necessary to maintain healthy activities and relationships outside of the negative relationship to help you stay recharged. 

For example, suppose you have a friend who always tries to guilt you into going out when you have other plans. Instead of going with their whim, learn to say no and keep your other engagements. This will help you detach from the situation and suffer less anxiety.

Here are some tips to put this plan into action:

"I need some space. I will contact you when I'm ready to talk." The statement may seem straightforward, but it sends a clear message.

"I'm not comfortable discussing this issue with you. Let's talk about something else." This is a great way to deflect the conversation back to them and away from you.

Do: Speak to Them About the Way They Make You Feel

People with psychological problems often lack insight into their behavior. They have low self-awareness, which leads them to behave unacceptably. 

If you are in close contact with the person, it is essential to talk to them about how they make you feel. This can be done in a non-confrontational way, starting with "I" statements.

For example:

"I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you. You're always critical of me."

"When I try to talk to you, I feel ignored and dismissed. I really need a chance to share my thoughts and feelings with you."

Using this tactic may help inform the other party that their behavior impacts you - potentially leading to a conversation.

Do: Be Firm in Your Boundaries

It is essential to set boundaries around yourself if you're constantly feeling drained, stressed, or angry after being around someone.

You may need to talk about the limitations in a non-defensive way without blaming or shaming the other person. You should also be consistent and reinstate the 'rules' you have set for your well-being repeatedly. 

This would help you be in control of your life and take action for the things you can't tolerate.

For instance, your colleague has a habit of passing judgment about others. Since you don't feel comfortable talking about other people, you might want to set a rule that says you will not discuss certain topics. You can also leave the room in an attempt to end the conversation if it gets too heated.

Do: Have a Support System

It's important to have people such as friends and family members who will support you and help you deal with the toxic person. 

You can also get in touch with professionals who are trained to deal with such situations and offer judgment-free support. But choose carefully as these are 'your' people. At all times, you should feel safe and comfortable in their company.  

It is also important to have some constructive outlets for your anxiety and frustration, such as exercise, writing, or meditation. Getting quality sleep of 7 - 8 hours per night will also contribute to good mental and physical health. 

Do: Stay Calm and Rational

Addressing toxic behavior can be emotionally draining. You may find yourself feeling frustrated with the scenario. However, your best bet is to stay calm and rational, which will help you avoid getting pulled into unnecessary drama.

You need to recognize your own reaction and detach yourself from the heat of the moment. The moment you feel yourself getting hot, angry, or defensive, that's the time to take a step back. 

It is also a good idea to shift your physical movement. If you are standing, sit down; if sitting down, get up and walk. Doing this will help to normalize serotonin hormones.

Remember: If you don't stay calm, the effects might disturb your health, job, and relationships.

Don't: Try to Change Them

When dealing with toxic behavior, the top rule is to accept that you can't change it. Period!

Accept people for who they are and move on in your best capacity. Trying to change the toxic individuals in your life is a fruitless task that will only exhaust you.

For instance, you might try to give the person constructive feedback about their behavior or set limits. However, there is a good possibility that they will not listen or make any efforts to change. 

In fact, the more you try to inspire a change in their behavior, the more frustrated you will become. Once you learn to accept the person for who they are, you will be less likely to get upset with the situation.

Don't: Internalize Their Toxic Behavior

Toxic people are often struggling with their own demons, and the way they behave has little to do with you.

The sooner you recognize this, the easier it will be to free yourself from negative emotions and toxic behavior.

For instance, if you deal with someone who is always angry, you may assume the problem is within you. However, you are only the focus of their reaction and not at fault. They may have anger management issues and project their own guilt on you.

Don't: Try to Win Them Over

When dealing with toxic behavior, it's important to remember that there is no winning with such people. In fact, trying to woo them over will only make things worse.

For instance, you might try to be nice to them or agree with them to keep things under control. However, the more you try to please them, the more they will take advantage of you. They will conduct phony acts to test if you are "on their side."

So, it's always best that you stay neutral and agreeable.

If toxicity disturbs your personal and professional space, make the conscious decision to change your path. Remember to stay calm and rational, have a support system you can rely on, and make an effort to ignore the situation to protect yourself from toxic people.

Regardless of their behavior, it will always be YOU who decides to put their foot down. Toxic people will always be around, but you don't have to let them affect your life negatively. It's up to you to take back control!